Half of the first month of the year has gone by. It’s already been more than a week since I officially weaned off Elian. And I find myself still getting sentimental. Last week was very difficult for both me and Elian. We were both emotional. I wrote in my last post, how he seemed to quickly adapt and move on from breastfeeding. But boy I spoke too soon or I wrote too soon that time. It turned out harder than I thought on our next days. The crying fits during bedtime returned. It was harder to put him to sleep without breastfeeding. He would cry when he got sleepy and would ask for me and would reach out to breastfeed. And since I would refuse, he would cry again. Other nights he just refused to sleep since he knew he couldn’t breastfeed anymore. And on nights that I was already so tired from the whole day of taking care of him, it became really difficult especially when I just really needed him to sleep already at night or nap in the afternoon so I can work. There were moments I regretted weaning already and felt guilty if I stopped him too early at strictly 2 years. And there were times I considered just breastfeeding him again and thought of adding a few more months… But no, I had to be firm on this as I felt like it would just confuse him more if I backtracked on my decision of weaning.

What also made me feel guilty is realising just how much both of us miss it. Many times during the day he would come to me and reach out to breastfeed and then remember he couldn’t anymore and he’d look at me sadly. He would ask “Can I dede a bit?” And I would just hug him and remind him he’s a big boy already and Mommy doesn’t have milk already but inside I also ache because I miss our special bonding session. And also because I still have milk. Until now at almost 2 weeks of not nursing surprisingly, I still have. Some wean when their babies lose interest or no longer want to nurse. Others wean when their milk dries up. But that wasn’t the case for us. Just this afternoon, when he was reaching for me, I asked if he misses it and he nodded and said he does. And I told him that Mommy misses it too but it’s okay. We’ll be okay.

It gets easier day by day, night by night. At one point last week, I already dreaded bedtime because of the crying fits. But thankfully, I think we have already gone past the crying stage. It’s been a few nights of no more (or sometimes lessened) crying. I think he has finally adjusted to not needing the breast to put himself to sleep. These days, he would just wrap his arms around my neck. He just always wants to feel me beside him so he can sleep. Also, he no longer looks for “dede” when wakes at night.

And I am also adjusting better day by day, night by night. Never really thought that weaning can be so bittersweet and woeful. But I guess like all stages of life and stages of motherhood, one just really have to be prepared and be strong in letting the love of their life, the joy of their life, their baby, grow up to be the boy and eventually the man he should be.

Sharing these photos we took at home after his 2nd birthday, wearing the same dress I wore on my quarterly photos during my pregnancy with him on this same chair where we take our milestone photos.

I love you, my dearest Elian.